Understanding the “What” and “Why” in Family Mediation

The Two Most Important Questions During Divorce Mediation

“What” and “Why.” These two simple words carry immense weight in family mediation.

When couples enter divorce mediation, they’re often overwhelmed by emotions, logistics, and uncertainty. Mediation offers a structured process where both partners work with a neutral third party to reach mutual consensus on key issues like:

·         Division of marital property

·         Spousal or child financial support

·         Parenting time and plans

While mediation styles vary such as, facilitative, narrative, insight-based and virtual, no single approach fits all couples. What remains consistent is the need for each party to understand their priorities and the reasons behind them.

The “What”: Identifying Goals Without Judgment

Each party has tangible outcomes they hope to achieve. These might include:

·         Keeping the family home

·         Receiving or paying support

·         Specific parenting schedules

It’s okay if the “what” is different for each person. The key is to write down your goals privately, rank them by importance, and avoid dismissing or criticizing each other’s ideas during mediation.

The “Why”: Uncovering Motivations

Understanding why someone wants something reveals emotional and practical motivations:

·         “I want to stay in the house because it’s close to my children’s school.”

·         “I’m asking for support because I gave up my career to raise our kids.”

You don’t have to agree with your partners “why”. But it has been proven that listening without judgment builds empathy and opens the door to creative solutions.

Common Pitfalls to Avoid

Mediation can stall when parties:

·         Criticize each other’s “what”

·         Dismiss the “why”

·         Bring up unrelated past grievances

·       Focusing on positions rather than best interests

Mediators should guide discussions toward present-focused, respectful dialogue.

Why This Approach Works

·         Focusing on the “what” and “why”:

·         Reduces conflict

·         Speeds up resolution

·         Builds trust

·         Encourages exploring additional solutions

Real-Life Impact

Whether I’m working with clients, students, or negotiating deals, I’ve seen how powerful these questions can be. In family mediation, they can mean the difference between agreement and litigation.

What’s Next

In future posts, I’ll explore different mediation styles and how they shape outcomes. Stay tuned for insights on:

·         Facilitative

·         Narrative

·         Insight

·         Virtual mediation

Know This

Mediation isn’t about winning and losing. It’s about resolving. Understanding the “what” and “why” helps couples move forward with dignity, especially when children are involved.

If you’re considering mediation or want to learn more, let's connect. I’m here to help guide the process with clarity, compassion, and purpose.

Paul Beck CFP, FMA CFDS